MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING

I remembered some SA stuff involving another kid, and something with my cousin, and it's like it has set off a chain reaction in my head and suddenly I see a really ugly picture, I see the evidence right in front of me.

My bedroom had the airing cupboard in it. My parents had an excuse to come into my room at any time. I wanted to agree set times but nobody listened. So it was unremarkable for a parent to insist on coming into my room. It wasn't considered strange. I didn't really see the problem with this until my T had an absolute fit over it.

My mum sometimes went away for work, maybe twice a year, for a a few days at a time. My older brother wasn't around much so it was just me and my dad and I don't remember anything. I remember that my mum left proper food to heat up and he just made scrambled eggs instead and that's it. The rest is a total blank.

I have always felt uncomfortable around my dad, never wanted him to hug me or come near me, but remember him getting me to sit on his knee when I didn't want to, when I was too old to. He repeatedly invaded my privacy in various ways, didn't respect me as a person, didn't care how I felt. For example on long car journeys he pushed his seat right back so I had no leg room and then told me off because my knees were digging into his seat.

I was always drawn to problems on problem pages that were about CSA. I remember some of them now, word for word. I never knew why I was drawn to them.

I know what I suspect. I don't know if it's true and I'm not going to force it. I am not going to try to remember. My T is away for the next two weeks, and I just need to not think about any of this.

I always believed that, if this happened, you would know. That it didn't happen to me. Didn't stop to wonder why my memories are missing, or why there have always been such strange things in my head. Then I went to therapy and learned that I could dissociate from my body, and my feelings, and my memories.

I'm maybe going to stay off PC for a bit, really appreciate people's support but I think I have to stop thinking because sooner or later I will stop walking round this landmine and step right on it, and everything will explode.

Maybe I'm crazy. Why would I go looking for evidence that something like this happened, it's not like I want it to have happened. But I have a horrible, sinking feeling that there is nothing crazy about this.