So some of you know that I "broke up" with a really good friend about three weeks ago. It was my fault, me and my BPD behaviors got the best of things again. This friend and I have known each other for seven years and he and I were pretty close, so I took it really hard. Cried for about a week (I'm tearing up as I write this, silly me). I'm okay now, really and truly, but I still miss him quite a bit. Anyway, I saw him for the first time since things went down last night while we were at work. It's a job where I only pick up shifts once in a while, so I don't see him often at all, and we only saw each other during shift change (so only for about 30 minutes). I didn't even know he was working, so I was pretty surprised when he came walking in. I was proud of myself though; we exchanged pleasant hellos and everything was fine. Though I said, "Helllloooo," kind of weirdly, probably because I was surprised. After that, he walked over in my direction like he wanted to chat, but I just turned away. Now I feel like kicking myself; why did I do that? I'd like to talk to him very much but... I don't know. Maybe, though I'm doing okay, a little part of me wants to make him feel rejected like I did? Maybe? I know that part of me is just not ready to make nice and put the "break-up" behind us. I miss him; I don't want to be all chatty without being the friends we used to be. I'm not ready, and maybe part of it is the BPD inability--yet--to sit in the gray area of "we're not friends but we can be friendly," though I'm trying to get my mind there. Is that wrong of me? Anyway. I had to give shift report to him (we work in a hospital) and that was fine and pleasant. I know I work with him again in a few weeks (this time for half a shift). Hopefully I won't be weird. I think maybe by then I'll be ready to be a little more friendly and chatty with him. Do you guys think I'm being ridiculous or do you think this kind of thing takes time?