Quote:
Originally Posted by I.Am.The.End.
No, I don't have any friends to talk about this, at least not in real life. There were probably a couple of people who might have liked me a little, but I didn't feel safe around them. One apparently took me out on a date (I don't assume going to a movie with someone as automatically a date unless it's said) and tried to make a move on me and then I got freaked out. Even if I knew it was a date, I don't want to get physical in any way on the first date. And another guy (more recently), I just kind of got weird feelings about him, like I'm afraid to be alone with him...and I think he was just looking for someone to go to concerts with (which is fine). He's likable, but I just feel uncomfortable since he knows I've been physically weak (and am in physical therapy, getting better now) and he's strong. I don't like feeling like I wouldn't be able to defend myself. I don't know—all I know the amount of fear was abnormally strong.
This is probably going to sound dumb to anyone with more experience, but if what you're saying is true (and it makes sense to me), then if you're willing to hurt yourself for someone wouldn't that mean giving pleasure would be a duty? In my case, giving pleasure may be hurting myself for someone. Maybe "hurting myself" is the wrong terminology, because it really makes me think of self-harm.
I also feel that people in general know me as an object and not as a person with the whole being appreciated more as an artist and not a person.
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I understand what u are going through because personally I'm going through every bit of it. The person who taught me meaning of love, person whom I miss, I yearn for though I haven't met him for over decade now... he was the person to first use me as an object. My mind says this but I can never blame him, never say he used me because I could do anything for him. I could have gone further too if he would have asked for. It did hurt me to let him go, but I knew his happiness wasn't with me and I could let him go very easily, could smile to see him go away.
My relationships have been with the very people I trusted the most, people to whom I had shared my feelings with... but nothing ever changed anything for me, I never wanted to lose them (Probably I'm too insecure about myself), just to keep them with me I agreed giving myself to them. All of them moved away, some even blamed me because beyond a point I would lose my mental balance by pleasing them and become over demanding.
I'm currently in a situation where I've started enjoying the pain I get from the men. If I get close to anyone and they make advances, I pretend to be interested as well, knowing well that it deepens my void, aggravates my wound. When alone I pity myself and with that the feeling to get more pain increases. I do yearn for love, for understanding but I'll never find such a man in life. All men wants is our body, nothing else. I would like to have a day in life where someone makes me feel special, makes me feel wanted not just an object of lust.
My fantasies are also painful and I can't even react normally in them.
I won't say I was ever abused, because all that happened with me had my consent. I too tried a therapists but couldn't get satisfactory response from them.
Your reaction might be because of some of your experiences or may be influenced by other experiences.