I understand about the Ativan, and I have a really good idea of what you're thinking. A year ago I almost ended it with the same stuff, but I had only about 12 tablets. Luckily, I didn't know how many it would take to do myself in, and I figured that what I had would be about enough to let me wake up in the ER in 4-point restraints with a tube up my nose and my former co-workers surrounding me and wondering WTF happened.

Don't do it, Speed. No matter what......don't do it. Your son isn't ready for you to be with him yet, you still have much to do in this life even if you don't know what it is right now.