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I have relatively little in common with others.
I have my theories and I have my reasons, but I am not a misanthrope, I actually find the human experience fascinating. I am just an introvert who cannot seem to connect with others…
I am far less socially anxious than I used to be, yet I still feel no particular draw to socialize with the people I meet. I do interact with people online, but only in special interests forums and I like to have pretend conversations with people, even dead people (like poets and artists and thinkers). I am not asocial.
The allure of people to me is negatively correlated to intimacy. I like you better the more distance there is between us, but again my social anxiety is not as strong and I no longer feel anxious when a student in my class speaks to me—I just don’t care and answer only to be polite.
In a way I am back to my original state, I was a confident child who was indifferent and polite to my peers.
I do wonder; however, if it is not unhealthy? Shouldn’t I want to talk to my peers, to have conversations and go places and be friends? That is normal, but I find people suffocate me. Even the nicest of people, even my Mom who I love dearly (I am capable of love) can overwhelm me with their energy, with their aura and I feel oppressed, physically I feel pressed and smothered and crowded. I can only truly breathe when I am alone.
And also, for me, I have a fascinating inner life and inner world—a great deal of the time I experience the outer world, particular of people as a distraction. “Leave me alone, so I can hear myself think!” I want to scream.
I don’t feel centered when I( am with people, spiritual I feel lost to something integral inside of myself, some inner wholeness that is flourishes when I am alone.
Yet, paradoxically, I like people. I find the human mind interesting—I would love to research people’s lives and experiences, I would love to write books about that. I just don’t connect.
I don’t lack empathy either, if anything I am far too empathetic. I believe I just have too thin a barrier to filter out others energies, but I wonder, especially for someone so inclined towards fantasy, spiritual contemplation, eccentricity, and existential ponderings—if it is not risky for me in some way. Isolation breeds illusion? I know at my most isolated (where I did not leave the hosue for months upon months and barely spoke to my parents, even)--I was kind of strange and became obssessed with hell and the end of the world (which is actually what caused my anxiety disorder, I think), to the point where all I did was think and I couldn't sleep and I was cosnsumed. I don't want to go back there, but I am feeling the call iwnards (and to drop out of school or only take online classes).
I want to be alone, but I am not sure that it would be healthy.
My question is, would it be unhealthy to go inwards again?
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