What can I say, being, or dealing with Rapid Cycling Bipolar (which I came to find out I'm whats called by some Ultradian Cycling Bipolar, where a persons moods will cycle several times, if not more in a 24 hour period) along with Psychotic Tendencies, PTSD, and Social Phobia is a life sentence I wouldn't wish my worst enemy. The countless days and nights that ya can spend alone is deafening. Wishing that, just once, someone would come along and be able to handle being a good, or for that matter a close friend. Yet, in the end, I do this all to myself. Yes, you read that right. I do this all to myself.

I remain distant and alone for many reasons really. One reason being, that hardly anyone I know, even if they say that can indeed handle all that comes along with being my friend, in the end, cant. Which I knew better in the first place. They in fact are proven wrong over time. I figure why on earth do I want to watch history repeat itself over and over again when I already have watched it happen countless times before?

Same goes with relationships and having someone in my life. I have been single and remained alone for nearly 6.5 years now. Many have come that were interested, yet I have done chased every single one of them away, or kept them at a distance. Some may ask, why on earth would you do this? Why don't you allow that person to decide whether or not they can handle you or not?

Well, the answer is simple really. I am tired. Tired of watching people come, and tired of watching people go out of my life. Break ups, I find to be overly taxing to deal with and I just can't take the overwhelming emotions that come along with a break up.

I have had endless conversations. Actually in all honesty, it seemed more like a debate with people at times, trying to explain to them what I go through on a daily basis. With them not being able to comprehend or wrap they're mind around what it is I am telling them. Mind you, none of what I go through I can control. I can attempt to manage it all, yet, it often takes every fiber of my being to manage what little I can. With everything I go through in one day, it feels exactly like I am working a full time job, aside from my regular full time job I already work on a 9 to 5, five days a week basis.

I am not making excuses here, nor am I writing this to get others to feel sorry for me. I do enough of my own Ups and Down's in one day, I don’t need someone else going out of their way to have sympathy on me. Why am I writing this some may ask? Well, simply put, this is just an avenue in which to vent I guess? I don't talk to many people, especially about all this. So, I find it kind of therapeutic to write my thoughts down on paper, or online in some fashion or another.

I go to work and quite often I have to isolate myself in my little hole at work. Occasionally I will come out to get coffee or water, or, to use the good old facilities. Other wise, I keep to myself. After work I go straight home to be alone, until I rise and repeat and do it all again the next day. I am not attempting to make my life out to be worse than anyone else's. Again, I am just aimlessly rambling on to anyone who will read, or, of course someone who chooses to bad mouth of on here cause they feel the need to. Quite use to it, so take your best shot.

Anyways, I guess in around about way I was kind of curious if there was by any chance anyone out there like me? I mean, I guess there is. Can't have millions of people on the face of the earth without at least a few individuals experiencing or going through the same thing in life. Would be nice to just actually connect, or talk to someone that can relate to what I'm going through