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Syra · Mar 23, 2013, 09:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jungatheart

Are you ever surprised by others responses in life? The kind that make you take a second look at yourself? Re-evaluate what your guiding force is?

Others responses to I guess what I would term as therapist abuse were eye opening. I broke all ties with T and his family today. It was tougher than I thought it would be. He sends me an email back about his care for me and that he was sorry that our “miscommunications hurt me”. His words are like torture and make me doubt myself. Even with validating feedback, I watch myself spiral down, rationalize, minimize - all the things that got me into trouble in the first place. I do think that reporting him is going to be an important piece of this process. I am not there yet. It’s still so scary to me.

Beyond the betrayal and manipulation by T, I feel like I am experiencing a major loss in my life.T spoke/emailed with me basically every day for the past year or more. I really enjoyed his support, liked hanging out with his daughters. I am haunted by lots of conflicting feelings - almost like I am trying to leave a cult. I was dependent on T, a pull that felt almost like an addiction. I was hooked from the first time he told me he cared about me.

So I continue to go against my grain - because my grain feels like that's how I hid the abuse/unethical behavior for so long. My grain feels like it leans towards total lack of boundaries, instant gratification, self blame. I don't trust my grain (migraine?) right now. I'm going to break this pattern. One way or another.

Has anyone out there really shifted a pattern in your life? Gone against your "grain", so to say? I'm looking for hope, strength, a purpose to this real pain and confusion.

I have. I was very attached to my forner T too, and boundaries were fuzzy (no sex or anything)by her initiation. Since she left me, instead of me leaving her, I didn't have to make the decisions you had to make. but there were efforts to see about reconnecting, and like you, it was my logical, thoughtful self that I listened to, or would have been right back there.

I imagine you really are experiencing a major loss in your life, even if it did cost you a lot. I totally understand the cult-like feeling. I think that is normal in an abnormal situation. I was very dependent on my T too, and had many many conflicting feelings. But those periods lessened in intensity, length, and the time between periods increased. It took a while, but it happened.

I tend not to think about it as going against the grain. I think of it as having two different parts inside me. The needy part that loved being cared for by my forner T. And my logical, competent part, that knows that going back to someone by becoming less, and hiding parts of me isn't healthy and won't last. So now I spend time taking care of hte needy part in other ways that are more healthy (another whole thread).