Thank you all for your support. I sure don't feel strong right now.

Like Syra and Adel34 said, it really does feel like leaving an abusive partner or a cult. It feels like some brain washing has occurred. I feel like the real courage will be in staying true to my decision, in not contacting him, in not falling for his words. The real courage lies in being gentle with myself.

Thank you for the hope, that I will be able to trust myself again one day. That it takes time. I like the idea that any relationship where you have to become less, hide parts of yourself, is not healthy. That's something I can work with.

I know I really need a therapist to help me process this. I quit my job/no health insurance.....lots of free time to drive myself crazy. I'm living off a limited budget and interviewing for jobs. I think though that this is actually pretty dire, so I will see about finding a sliding scale T for at least a few sessions.

Being able to write and receive support on this forum has been really helpful to me. So thank you all.