Quote:
Originally Posted by Meisjes
...It is still hard to allow myself to feel but I've noticed that by working on changing the messages in my mind about the abuse to - not my fault, its ok to cry, that was wrong, they were wrong, that's a lie, I can cry, etc. - over a long period of time, I am now finding that there are people who are safe to express feelings too. Still working on finding them too but it is happening and feelings are becoming more spontaneous to the situations as they happen. It also helps to not try to force yourself, if it doesn't happen, don't worry about it. My last T said this is very important to give myself whatever time I needed even if it takes the rest of my life. I'm not on a time limited offer kind of deal. he said eventually it will happen when I'm not focused on it so much.
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Thank you very much Meisjes!
You said a lot that I can really relate to! I'd imagine that a lot of my quiet, respectful, well-mannered behaviors are due to that environment that I grew up in. My dad always put it as, "Children were there to be watching, not to be watched." We were NOT supposed to interrupt OR make a lot of noise, whatever kids often do. If we did, we be belted, beaten, and/or sent out to the car until Mom & Dad were ready to go. I behaved extremely well. {Mom & Dad still brag about how they got remarks wherever they went with me from strangers about what a "good little girl" I was.} As a result, I distinctly recall NEVER feeling like a child. Never fitting in with other kids. I was definitely a loner ~ extremely depressed and anxious. Childhood and teenage years were
horrible for me x 1,000!!
Thank goodness I'm in adulthood now! At least I don't have everybody and their mother judging me still. whew! My T isn't pressuring me to be more forgiving of myself, but he did recommend a book to me. I don't have the title in front of me right now. But, it's a book aimed more towards professionals and the educated, as it's about giving yourself a break, instead of being your worst critic. I'm not sure if I have the brain power to make it through the book ~ I'll have to read a chapter in the library or bookstore before I buy it!
My brain really doesn't work like it used to, and I don't want to waste the money....
Thank you for responding ~ very best wishes to you!
