Thank you all. I attempted to respond many times but hit the back space key and lost it all or someone disrupted me. I'm going to try again.


What you have to question is this...
1. Is leaving the marriage going to be easier/better/happier for me? (not easier financially, who knows if it will be better, but I do feel it would be happier)
2. If he got better, would I feel differently? (this is a tough one because I have seen him better on meds, but he never stays on them. At this time I have no faith that he will stay on his meds. He always makes the promise, then feels better, gets angry, says he did it for me and then stops)
3. Have I done everything I can to make this work? (this one is easy. yes, I've given all I can. I know I am equally responsible for many marriage therapy attemps gone bad when I gave up when he got "bad" again, but the last 5 years I've put my all in this marriage. I've learned more about self evaluation than I ever thought need be, but none the less, I've learned not to take things to heart, let the little things go, and forgive easier. All that to have it come crashing down again when he decided he again, didn't need to be medicated, he didn't have anything wrong, and I was controlling the treatment.)
4. Do I love him? (yes, but not in the way a wife should. I love him like family, a caring, protective sort of love. I feel the "spark" is gone, gone, and gone. At times I feel that closeness only to have such a rude awakening when he pulls away again. For me it's hard to love someone your not really sure who he is. A converstaion on a lunch hour that is friendly and warm would make you think that same person is coming home from work. We there is always a twist and someone dark, gloomy, or angry walks in. Mind you it's not always, but often enough to make one weary.)

I have never seen him so bad. It's the strangest thing. He can't stand to be left aone, even thought he is non productive at work he still goes..... because he doesn't want to be alone. He's called our daughter to discuss how he feels with her, who he refused to let me tell her earlier. He asked her to "pray for our family". She said he just sounds weird, and she's grown up with his depression.

It's becoming so much more overwhelming. From the time my eyes open to the time my eyes close he is trying to "talk" to me. I know he's waiting for me to break and say, fine, I'll stay with you, but I've tried to make it clear. This isn't the way I want to life, I do still care for you, but I am tired of living the cycles. It hurts to watch him this sad, lonely, and suffereing such anxiety. If I could make it go away I would, all but to promise I'd stay and that's what he keeps saying he needs. I truly don't feel I have anymore chances left in me. I feel like I am keeping that in sickness and in health so close that I'll be the next one that needs taken care of. I worry what all this has done to my kids. This week alone, we've seen and onvernight hospital stay for anxiety, and a passing out and having to be carried to the couch by his teenage son. I am so unsure of what lies ahead.