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to Me as a Child from Who That Child Was
Having only a child's mind, I decided that who I was as a child was directly related to my abuse. Since I had no one to tell me that I was precious and worthful, no matter what others did to me, I surmised that what was done to me was who I was -- shameful and terrifying.
I carried these feelings into my adulthood and continued to wonder why I had so much self-loathing and so little self-esteem. I may have even tried to rid myself of these "demons" by trying to do away with myself. Perhaps I could see no other way to relieve myself of these overwhelmingly painful feelings.
I have learned in recovery that those feelings of shame and terror were not at all a part of who that child was. They were feelings passed on to me by abuser's shameful and terrorizing acts.
With my recovering adult thinking, I can separate the acts of my abuser from my precious and worthful child. i do this by affirming that child and by walking with her/him through the grief and process of returning the shameful feelings to her abusers. I become lighter and more joy-filled as I continue to let go of shame that does not belong to me and as I allow myself to have the feelings about wha was done to me.
Today I can return those feelings to the rightful owners so that my precious and worthful child can at last emerge.
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