I feel like I am so d**n evil. I am ugly, fat, and hideous, I do not take care of myself, I am careless towards other people, I'm an absolute atheist, I fantasize about killing myself ever day and the sorrow it would bring my family and how guilty it would make my therapist feel...this is the only time I actually am "happy" although I do not think I am really happy then. I have no desire to be happy. I think I "love" my pets but I never really do anything like play with them, sometimes I fantasize about about my family members or my pets dying so I can be even more depressed and then I'd finally have enough guts to actually kill myself....I'm so disappointed that I've failed at my suicide attempts in the past, its like I've failed at being a failure...like I need to be more evil. So basically I want to be more evil but there's a part of me that's still afraid to go too far.

I'm not sure if I am thankful for that part that is afraid to give in to the evil or if I hate that part.

AltecLansing: Have you thought about seeing a therapist or a psychiatrist, I have seen some really weird ones that just made things worse but after 5 or 6 years or weeding through and sometimes having to back to isolating myself for a year I've been able to find a therapist, a GP, and a psychiatrist that I like. I hope the road isn't as bumping for you, but even if it is or even its worse, try to hang in there. I wish I could offer you more support but I really not in a good mind set right now. I'm bipolar and am in a super depression plus am struggling with a huge weight...which contributes to my depression. You're issues sound much more complicated then me obsessing over being fat and having my meds adjusted. I really hope you feel better