Please be aware, I will be talking a little bit about my story, probably would be a huge trigger. Please stop reading if you don't feel safe.

















Ok, so I am seeing my pdoc as my T as well. I am working on the CSA as a kid with my Dad. I am so scared and I don't know what to do. I told my pdoc about something really hard. I talked about how my Dad abused me from when I was 4yrs to 11 yrs. How he would just pick me up and move me around to pleasure himself. And I told him about how I became obsessive about repeating what my dad did to me by me doing it to me. Although I couldn't use my hands as Dad said I was not allowed. My Dad said he owned me and that that part of me was his. Only he could touch me there. So I became obsessed about hurting my self down there like he did. I wanted to punish myself. The hardest part was that sometimes by body betrayed me and reacted when it shouldn't have. I worry that that means I wanted it or enjoyed it. It made me sick and I just closed my eyes and wished I would die.

And that is how I feel now. I want to die. I don't want to remember or feel or think. I just want to die. I am calling my pdoc in AM maybe he can help. If not I am afraid it is over for me.

Please don't judge me too harshly after reading this. I already know how awful I am. Believe me, I try to punish myself everyday. Thanks to all who have read this.