I'm so angry with myself. So angry. So angry and upset.

I can't look back into my past now, all I can see is everything I never saw before. I'm such a mug.

Why did I put myself so out there to be abused? How could I be so stupid?

Noone will ever understand, I'm gonna be so on my own for the rest of my life. My family don't understand me at all. They never will. They'll never believe me over her thats why I'd never tell them.

I just keep thinking about everything. She took me to swim. I can hardly remember it really, but I remember watching her teach someone else once. I remember how she held them up while they swam along. I remember thinking how weird that was and how easy it would be for pervets to get kicks at swimming pools. I didnt think about the fact maybe that was what she was doing with me..

I remember how everytime we went we'd get changed in a group change. There were only two of us, most of the time but she'd still make us go in a group. I could never just go in my own cubicle. If anyone else was in the group with us, she'd be completely different. She'd cover herself up and look disgusted if I looked at her at all (I know that sounds really disgusting on my part, but please dont judge, I was so confused. I dont even know if I wanted to look or if she just put herself in my face a bit, I really dont.) It was the only time it was acceptable for me to cover myself up.

I have this really disgusting memory.. It really sounds like nothing but for me, I can't stop thinking about it I'm gonna put it on here. Deep breathe. Trigger warning.

I remember when I was about thirteen or so, I'd hit puberty. Not much, but I'd started maturing. I dont know how I ended up in the shower with her, but I did. I remember wanting to shave my legs, cause everyone at school did. But then I remember her showing me how to shave other regions, this is so disgusting sorry. I really distinctly remember her keeping some, cause she was a woman. And her telling me to shave it all of, cause it made me look like a child. Eurgh I feel sick.

I remember when I got out, my mum was really pissed off that I'd shaved my legs. Thats all I remember.

Why do these weird memories upset me so much? I never even felt upset at the time.

I cant stop thinking about EVERYTHING that she used to do. I remember the first time she ever abused me. Its not crystal clear, all I can remember was her being on top of me and I remember being on the carpet and it burning my back.