I'm really struggling with my grief. I lost a really big part of my life four months ago and for the first three months, I just cracked on. Acted as if I was fine, completely blocked it all out. But I got worse and worse, I got really bad anxiety and eventually became suicidally depressed, decided enough was enough and sought some help.

I've been getting along really well, in my eyes. I've started counselling which is really helping, I'm medicated anyway and I'm also on the waiting list for other therapy.

Yesterday, I went to my Nans old care home, twice. The first time, I dont know why I went. It still felt kind of right being there. I claimed I went to see my old favourite nurse, but I dont know what I went there for. I just stopped for a cigarette at our pond first and got carried away. I left feeling okay, I kinda felt like I was getting over it, because I'd managed to go in there. I hadnt been so overwhelmed that I'd had to leave straight away.

Then I saw my friend, and she spoke to me about when she lost someone really important to her years ago and all the feelings she felt. She told me about a tree that had been planted for her and she cried. I felt jealous, I could imagine the tree being so beautiful. I'd love to have somewhere to go and speaek to my Nan. I felt completely jealous at how she could just subtley cry about her. I can never just cry about my Nan and it makes me feel like I dont miss her, but I really really do She told me how she avoided the tree because it upset her, if I had somewhere I could go to be with my Nan I'd never avoid it.

I'd give anything to be back in that hospital bed with my Nan, cuddled up to her. But the thing is, she wasnt holding me back anymore. She was dead.

My Nan lost all her motor skills and was generally very unaware of her surroundings as her illness progressed, but one day I went up to see her. She looked at me and said 'Hello dearr!' All excited like she used to be. She looked me square in the eye for the first time in what felt like forever and put her arms out. I literally threw myself into them. She hugged me and stroked my back and it was the happiest I think I've ever felt. By the end of it she'd forgetten who I was again, I knew it was over. But I hope I can hold on to that memory forever.

I went up to her home again last night, after speaking with my friend I felt really upset and shook up and I can never cry at home because I get so sweltered by everyone, I can never just be alone. I didnt know where else to go, so I went there.

As I was driving there, I thought, what am I doing? Why am I going here? She's GONE. She's really gone. My little Nanny is dead. I just need to accept it and move on.

I had a big cry over her, but it wasnt like unstoppable, it was like I was working it out.

I still feel so cold and horrible. Then this morning my Mum comes into my room, I was still in bed cause I just flat out refused to get out of bed this morning. Again, she told me I need to get over it. She told me I need to feel happy that she's at peace.

She really PISSES me off. Everytime she tells me how I should feel, it makes me feel so wrong for the ways I really do feel. Everyone says grief is your own path, and everyone does it differently. And thats why I feel like I need to do it on my own, but she just wont let me! She tells me how Nan would be telling me off for being upset, and i'm sure she would but ****ing hell I've lost the biggest person in my life, ofcourse Im gonna cry. My Mum was a ****ing **** mum, always has been. My Nan saved me from everything. And it feels like now causse my Nans gone, my Mums tryna wiggle her way back in. But thats my Nan spot. I've always been a Nannys girl and I ALWAYS will be.

How can I kindly tell my Mum to **** off with oout a massive fall out or upsetting her?

Thanks for anyone who reads.