Through most of last week, I wanted to be loved. At the same time, I didn't want anyone to care. I have come to the conclusion that there was no contradiction, just a vicious cycle. To explain:

I felt bad about myself. I wanted to be loved, but I didn't feel like I deserved love. When people expressed caring, I wanted to shout, "Don't you see I'm not worth it? I don't deserve to be loved!"
I didn't want people to care, not because I didn't want love, but because I didn't feel that I deserved it. As a result, I lashed out at others to drive them away. Ergo, I fulfilled my own fears about being unloved.

However, I've also realized that love and caring, if it's real, can only ever be unconditional. People who truly care will be there, no matter what, and no one is undeserving of love. Even those who are cruel can be loved, or at least not hated. It takes a special person who can love anyone, no matter what they've done, but it can happen.

These may seem like nothing more than romanticised fantasies, but I'm only 18. I'm young, true, but I speak as one who finds love easier than hate, and more rewarding.

I believe my words. If you disagree with what I've said, you're entitled to your own option.

Thank you for listening.