sportfiend,

Sorry to hear that your wife had such a controlling ex-husband! I can relate to what she's struggling with a lot. I didn't get that idea from an ex coming straight out and saying it to me, but due to a history of sexual abuse. I grew up with that same mentality. It's a girl's job to please a man in whatever way. I did not equate pleasure with the task ~ simply bringing him to pleasure was what I was supposed to do.

As a result, I often dissociated during sexual activities that were supposed to be pleasurable for me. Even with my husband for many years, after sexual therapy...we never really got down to the cause. I still dissociated in fear and shame that I was being judged by others.

There have since been too many changes! But a real biggie, that was a positive experience for me, was putting myself entirely in charge of the experience. Not that I feel all powerful and mighty, it's not that. But, I can choose the pace and level/s of friction most comfortable for me. I can hold his arms down and look into his eyes; or put his hands wherever I want them to be. My point being: I lead the entire experience to what feels most comfortable for me in that moment.