Hi Lauru, I'm so sorry for your pain. I know everyone tells you it's not your fault but you still feel it is. I have heard that time and again from victims of abuse. they almost always blame themselves. I wonder why that is? The human psyche can be such a mystery. I did happen upon this online self-help book Psychological Self-Help - new - Table of Contents which is actually in the Self-Help forum. One of the articles shed a lot of light on my own issues. Maybe you might be able to find some article in there that could help you? wishing you much-deserved peace and happiness.