Yesterday in therapy, my T and I were going over why I never felt protected by my parents. This is the story that came up. I want to share because it's something I haven't thought about in years and it's opened up a new feeling of shame in me. Here goes...

When I was around 6 or 7 years old, my sister and I would play at our neighbor's house. We had pretty nice neighbors-- a single father that was raising 4 kids of his own. The father wasn't anyone impressive, but he kept and eye on us and let us play on his front porch.

My mom is a lunatic. She wasn't all bad, but she would convince herself of a whole lot of things-- one of them being that I was raped by our neighbor. I wasn't at all. I tried to tell her. She would ask me vulgar questions, like, "Did he stick his **** up in you?" I told her no so many times but she wouldn't listen.

My mom convinced my dad (who is a decent man for the most part) and they took me to the doctor to get a pelvic exam. All I can remember was wondering why it hurt and what the doctor was looking at. I didn't have any clue about female anatomy and was so scared about what was going on. I remember wondering in my head, "Am I doing a good job, mommy? I'm trying to hold still, even though this hurts." I wanted to cry so bad.

The doctor told my mom that I hadn't been raped. He seemed kind of annoyed with her for not listening to me. With the news that my virginity was intact, my mom was NOT happy or even relieved. She was furious. We got up and left that doctor's office as quick as we could and she never mentioned it to me again... I never asked.

And now I'm left feeling like I was sexually abused by the doctor. He wasn't by any means gentle with me... felt like he was taking out his frustrations with my mom onto me.

And now I have my "women's exam" set up for next week with a doc I've never met and I'm terrified.