Cyber hug coming over.. you sound very 'done in'.

Had a little look and found this article, may be food for thought - Finding Low-Cost Psychotherapy | Psych Central

Have you ever read a book on CBT, or even about shyness or low self-esteem? They can really help, and perhaps they may just help you. I bought my partner a book on CBT which had space to write down things and it was really good. I just had a look on Amazon, but can't find it in America. Am sure there are others to perhaps consider, and at least with Amazon you get to see reviews and not waste any money.

I hope you do seek some help, even with a book. I know its very very hard to start the ball rolling, esp when so fed up with everything, but I hope you do. It can only be beneficial?