This is the most inspiring post I have ever read on here.

Every single hat I own is off to you, you've got BOLLOCKS beyond belief. I really respect everything you've done and said here.

I havent followed you're entire story, but I can get some of the jist.

I'm really really jealous and I know how hard it can be with other siblings involved in abuse.

My brother is four years older than me. We both had our fair share of ****, dont get me wrong. We both had to deal with my Dads anger and my Mums outbursts of mania and suicide ideation. We both got passed around to anyone who gave a ****, but things were different. The older we got, the more things changed. I always looked up to my brother, I trusted him with anything. He was my saviour on so many occasions it actually makes me really upset just thinking about it, I've lost him now.

As we got older, things got worse. I was sexually abused by my cousin. She used to abuse me herself, she made her younger brother try and f--k me. It was disgusting. Its all a real blur and I cant remember so much of it still. I dont remember my brothers involvment, he definitely wasnt there all the time. I do remember him having to watch once. He just look horrified, I was with the boy at the time and just lying there looking to the side (like I always did) and taking what ever he did.

One day, my brother tried a few things with me. He was not forceful in anyway. But it was still disgusting and horrible HE WAS MY BROTHER FOR F--K SAKE. One day he pushed his penis into my back and asked me if it felt big. I dont even know what Ianswered, I remember it so vividly. He was quite old by then.

I was hospitilized when I was 14 for repeated suicide attempts. I was about to be discharged when I completely broke down. I told one of the nurses about what had happened with my brother and my male cousin. I never mentioned the main abuser. I didnt know how to. Everything I ever read was about males abusing, I didnt understand what she had done to me was abuse. Im still not really sure I do.

My brother didnt deny it, he just said he was hurt and he 'didnt remember' anything. He hugged me and we acted like everything was fine. But its never been the same. He feels awkward around me and wont touch me and I dont want him near me or to touch me. We rarely speak and if we do its just like we're an awkward friendship, not the brother and sister we were.

I feel like he's the key to unlock SO many of the memories in my past. But I just cant ask him or reach out to him because he just doesnt want to know. I dont blame him.

I just want to get better.

I do NOT know your situation, but I would just say be careful. You and your brother have both been through A LOT and that makes relationships difficult. Just if I were in your shoes, I wouldnt want to lose him. But I'm not, there your shoes and you chose the path you walk. I just thought I'd put it out there.