i have a pdoc but not a T. i don't do well in therapy because my memory is so bad it's like having the same conversations over and over and over again. i also view cognitive behavioral therapy as a form of mind control (paranoia aside). as far as talking to my pdoc, i probably should. sometimes though it's hard because i can't even put to words what's going on in my head. i suppose i could just print out the post and give it to him. i see him on the 11th of april.

i think a huge part of me is frustrated. i thought i was doing better for a few months. i mean, i was feeling really really good for some time. and now that good feeling is gone, and everything that was wrong before is slowly creeping back. thought i was stable on meds, but apparently not. i'm terrified of trying a new med or meds and not having them work. i think i'm just terrified in general of my life circling the drain again.

i was close to being homeless, close to divorce, losing my job, etc. but sometimes, on rare occasions, i want to just spiral out of control, as if it was some kind of cathartic release. almost like falling apart completely and being able to rebuild myself from scratch. weird, i know. however, that's scary in itself because in the depth of psychosis i have homicidal thoughts. so i'd hate to "wake up" in prison somewhere.

anyway, thank you all for your support. i guess i'll just talk to my pdoc, bite the bullet and try a med increase or new med in general. i suppose i won't wait until the 11th and just call him tomorrow and tell him what's what.