LOST


I seriously don’t know what to do anymore. I never lie to him about when I am home. At least I only lie about if I am drunk or not. Why does he call ME the hypocrite? I am so in love with him but I don’t want to hurt anymore. How do I tell him he has a drinking problem? Yeah I drink too but I don’t need it… I just do it because I figure hell why not… sometimes I wish I would have packed up and moved somewhere up north… before I got my dog… I wish I would have just done it. I am so in love with this man that my fear of losing him is almost more than I care about him. My heart aches so bad right now just knowing that he lied to me. I can’t handle this pain. It feels like someone just reached in my chest is and is slowly pulling out my heart, making sure not to kill me so I can feel every rip and tear as I suffer a slow painful death. I can’t handle my life… 80 percent of it is great and with me and Jason when it is good it is perfect. But the minute the alcohol touches the lips, the **** hits the fan. I don’t get it. He is such a great guy most of the time. I think it’s my entire fault. I corrupted him. I am the crazy one. I am the reason??? Well I just don’t know anymore. I hate when I have these anxiety attacks. Especially at work. I have only broken down 2 times at work which is super embarrassing. Gosh!! This pain is bad.. I don’t get it. .. Why tell me 2 hours after he left the bar that he was home. I know he left around 2 because I have eyes in that bar. What happened between 2 and 3:45 that you couldn’t let me know you were home… What did you do? Where were you? It’s so bad that I am scared to come home. I think when I get home he will yell at me and tell me I don’t love him like I did something wrong. I have been at work all night!! I am scared to talk to him. I don’t know what to do. I am upset too but I don’t want to talk when he’s drunk… But I just know that when I get there he will either be passed out of he will be awake and ready to be mean to me. What do I do??? Where would I go? He told me that if I don’t come home again we are done. Someone help me.

Owell maybe I will end it all. End all my suffering. Maybe I’ll say good bye for good. To everyone I know. I can’t just run away… I have too many responsibilities that will follow wherever I go. So what’s a person to do when they don’t want the responsibility of the life they have. Then I think “what if?” “Who will miss me?” Sure a few people will gather and pretend they are sad and have a funeral but they will forget about me within a week. I have made no impact on this earth to be truly missed. Sigh… I JUST DON’T KNOW ANYMORE!!

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