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Old Mar 28, 2013, 04:29 PM
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rainboots87 rainboots87 is offline
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Member Since: Mar 2012
Location: usa
Posts: 654
Quote:
Originally Posted by iota View Post
I feel for you in this situation. I think I've basically been a student or in school most of my life. I was like you a good student, keen on keeping on, got fellowships, worked hard.

However, I landed what would seem like a dream job--professor at UC Berkeley--only to find out within the very first weeks that I was absolutely miserable. I stuck with it anyway thinking that if I just reached the point where I could switch to a better department it would work out. It didn't. I resigned after much agony. I was also having lots of surgeries and the department was not supportive. But the real issue for me is that I didn't see how I was using my talents or values to actually help anyone. And perhaps it was just my own unique situation but I felt like the academic life at least where I was and my department was so very intellectual that no one really had hearts or souls or values that meant something.

I went back to school after a break for writing, to start a new career. I've switched programs a few times, mostly due to medical things, but recently I found myself in a situation where I really hated what I was doing, even used the word "submitted" to describe what the program was doing to me, which as a rape victim is a really bad sign.

Still because I was doing well and felt that I couldn't switch again, I stayed with it. The whole rest of me was rebelling against it and I should have really listened to that strong voice within. It ended up quite badly. The details aren't important, but I wish now that I had really listened to myself and not been so attached to my status as a good student or what others thought, and just quietly exited, even if this meant yet another school and program.

I have since found places a little less formal that accept people who have moved around a bit or switched focus or had other things come up. It really isn't terrible at all. In fact people like the underdog and like come-back stories, and it's not unusual for people to try a variety of things, including programs, before they settle into something.
Thanks so much for sharing your situation and I hope you find something that fulfills you.

Even though not eveyone is supportive of me changing around (coughmymothercough), some people really have been. And something my dad told a few months ago, before I ever told anyone I was thinking of leaving the program, was that no matter what job I end up with, I don't have to stay and be stuck with it forever. My dad and mom have done that and were miserable for years (dad finally quit a few years ago & he's near retirement age anyway, mom is still miserable at her job). Also, when I visited my old city & met with my old T, she said it's exciting to be at a place in life where I have so many opportunities. I told her I'd rather be in her position (stable career, husband, kids), but now I'm starting to see what she means. I don't have an established career or family responsibilities holding me back, I can go do whatever I want pretty much. So I'm trying to embrace that