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I'm so sorry, Jazzy that you're hurting so much.
I'm struck by that you almost seem to be writing about two different therapists, in that from what you say below...
After a year and a half of processing through traumatic events and stories with my old therapist, I finally felt the weight of heaviness lift from my life. I finally felt like I could breathe a bit again. Was I still depressed? Yes but, that big heavy weight that depression carries, where clients carry a load of bricks with them to sessions disappeared... My old therapists calm, gentle, and empathetic nature gave me the strength to speak up about things that I never thought I could talk about.
...It sounds like she really helped you with this:
I wish she could have TRULY got it. TRULY understood my story of me weeping and barely being able to stand
What could she have done differently to help you feel that she got it? Maybe in thinking about this, it will help you address your needs with your current therapist.
From a couple of things you say, it sounds like your therapist helped you process a great deal of pain/trauma, but maybe at some point wanted/expected you to move on from this, apply what you were learning in therapy to every day life -am I right here? Or maybe she was expecting that without helping you cope with your everyday life and therein lied the problem.
I'm so sorry you're not still with her (for this, not other reasons) to be able to talk to her about your perception that you were annoying to her, she was resentful, etc. Because there's a good chance that if you did that you'd find that this is not how she felt about you and you're being so very hard on yourself -she may well have some very positive feelings about you! Do you think you could schedule just one session with her to talk about this -maybe it would help you feel better about yourself -and even your current therapy?
I remember she said her abuse was worse then mine...
Did she really say this, I mean in these words? Or was it something implied and/or something you interpreted from other things she said, her demeanor, etc.? Because if this is a direct quote, what a horrendous thing to say!
I'm so sorry about what you're going through. What is it about your current therapy that gives you that 'just a client' feeling? Is this at least in part leftover from how you feel your previous therapist felt about you? I'd encourage you to talk to your therapist about how you're feeling about therapy itself. Maybe he/she could help you with this, maybe a first step to becoming unstuck?
I wish you the best.
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