If you wanted any other kid to die, wouldn't you call that abusive? I say that in the absolute most loving way. You are NOT abusive, but you're being incredibly hard on an uneducated, uninformed version of yourself.

My former T and I talked about something similar a few times. The truth of the matter is that there was honestly nothing any of these kids could have done to make things turn out in a different way. They were all stuck in a crappy situation where they were damned no matter WHAT they did. Performing the correct behavior or saying the right thing really wouldn't have made that much of a difference. Sometimes it's easier to hate the kid than to face the terror of that kind of unfair powerlessness. Or at least that's what T1 told me.