When I was very small I had dreams that the door was looming towards me and there were big tall thin figures in it reaching for me. I would wake up and not be able to shake the terror. I remember getting out of bed once, pounding the bed and screaming for my mum because I couldn’t wake up. The babysitter eventually came and as soon as she made a noise I snapped out of it, said I was fine and got into bed. I was not sexually abused as a child.

When I had a fever when I was young reality would melt, my body would melt and run, everything I touched would melt like the figures in that door. I don’t know if I screamed or if I was too scared to. My dad held my hand once during it and I don’t remember how I felt about that except that his hand was melting too. I was so scared.

I hate him touching me. Hes such a good man and I think genuinely would be upset if he thought he ever hurt anyone. He hugs me a lot the last few years and every time I stop breathing and tense up. When I was about 20 I told him in a very even voice as we were crossing the street with my mother and sister to take his hand off my ***. He looked so shocked and hurt, like maybe he hadn’t realised he was doing it.

Ive seen him naked in his bedroom walking round with the door open. Ive seen him with his back to me in the bathroom peeing with the door open. We have a stained glass window in the bathroom door. I kept putting a curtain over it and my mother kept taking it down. Sometimes when Im half naked washing my hair he has stood outside talking and I can see his shape looking through the window. I don’t know what he can make out. He has never sexually abused me.

Ive been dreaming about him a lot recently. Spending the night in uncontrollable anger against him sometimes hitting or even killing him. Why do I hate him so much? He let me down in so many ways so many times but no ones perfect. He has so many of his own problems. More than I do im sure. Why do I feel such a huge weight fall off me and I can breathe easier every time he leaves the room. Why do I go dumb and reply like an automaton every time he comes in or speaks to me on the phone?

I was molested once as a child but not by him and it was fleeting and not harmful.