Quote:
Originally Posted by My kids are cool
This is so complicated for me. There is so much going on around this issue. Obviously, I have a lot to work on here.
First, she doesn't deserve it, so if she gets compassion anyway, it will reinforce her stupidity in bringing all this on herself, and will make things worse next time (and I KNOW that this is all in the past, so it doesn't apply, but that is the thought that is going on around this issue).
Second, she's already a drama queen (and I am ambivalent writing that. I am not sure she is, but the parents said she was so, so so SO often that it's difficult to discount that information). She does not need any more attention. She cries and she's weak and compassion would just enjoy that weakness.
Compassion being offered was always a trick, somehow. A set up. She doesn't need it. She shouldn't trust it. She shouldn't want it.
AND she doesn't really exist. It's just one of those weird, stupid, crazy things my brain did in splitting her off, and I hate that this is even an issue for me. That makes me mad also.
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There is a fantastic poem by Marie Howe... I will send it to you if I find it... about how if she went back in time and tried to offer her child self affection in the form of a hug, child-Marie wouldn't even trust adult-Marie, and would instead wonder what adult-Marie wanted from her. It is very, very hard to shake the hypervigilance of a s****y childhood. It is also hard to shake what our parents say about us, even when KNOW that they're either wrong, or in the case of your mom, pathological liars.
My mom also says I was a drama queen. I have yet to find another human being who had the same impression of me as a child. Actually, when I read all my elementary school report cards, they all have the same comment written year after year by every single teacher -- that I am painfully quiet and appear to have no self-confidence whatsoever. But I did believe her for a long time and it wasn't until I accepted that the way I responded to my parents was a completely normal response to the corners I got backed into that I was able to look at it differently. This also makes me think of some research in a group I recently got involved in -- I'll send you something about that via PM. Basically about how children who have been abused have abnormal traits when compared to the whole population, but when you look at their background, the traits are a completely normal human response to their situation. I can elaborate further on this if you like.
Anyway, my mom did a lot of splitting. I got to be all the things she didn't like about herself. YAY.
And, finally, all of this stuff about Marie Howe and myself and Anne and pbutton and an entire area of research ought to help encourage you to shake the idea that this makes you weird. It so doesn't.