MKAC

I see this much as Sally and pbutton do. Your feelings about yourself as a child seem very much to me the feelings and attitudes of those who abused you. To adopt those views is the only way a child can make sense of what's happening, and it naturally fits in with the only way children can see the world: they are the center of the universe (drama queen?) and control all.

But, of course, they control nothing. The terror of that would be paralyzing if recognized, preventing the child from growing, so the child flips the switch and magically thinks she is all-powerful in her thoughts.

One of the worst consequences of abuse, I think, is that the abuser robs the child of the positive aspect of this amazing ability to create a way of thinking that defuses the terror of powerlessness. They replace it with the blame and false agency of their actions: "You deserve this," "If you weren't bad, I wouldn't have to punish you," "You make me do this."

They use the child's way of thinking to absolve themselves and deny their abuse.

I think we carry that identification of perception with us as part of our self-definition, our truth. Even when we can intellectually see the fallacy--and see the fallacy for others--the deep terror of powerlessness fuels the twisted sense of emotional truth for us.

Since we can't go back in time to "correct" ourselves as children, we cling to the twisted logic, perhaps experiencing it as a kind of strength and control in the present. Because if we were to hold the child blameless, accept the terror of powerlessness, and love the child we were, then how do we make sense of what happened?

I also think, for me, the issue is different for those abused by blood family: we share genetic ties with our abusers--they are tangibly part of us. How do we differentiate from them, yet accept ourselves? Creating distance by rejecting the child self, or making the child self the repository for the hate, may be one way, but painful because to do so is an assault on our core identity.