Quote:
Originally Posted by freefallin
I just want to make something clear--I never said I don't want to live. Another poster suggested that maybe I'm just changing and becoming another person, and I said I'd rather not live than turn into the type of person who couldn't care less about anything. Not that I don't want to live. I do, and I don't think that what I'm feeling like lately is me/who I am. I just wanted to express how strongly I didn't like the suggestion that I'm just turning into a cold, unfeeling person and it's perfectly normal...in a sense, that suggestion feels insulting to me.
Anyway, though, thanks for your input. I wish I had words to explain where I'm coming from better, but I don't, so I understand why you can't understand why I don't want to go to a therapist. I can't expect people to read my mind.
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Before I was diagnosed with DID I thought I was losing myself. It felt like my mind was breaking apart. I wasn't able to be around people for fear I would say or do something out of charactor. I couldn't think. Things I new were gone. My thoughts ragged in my head. My sleep patterns changed, I felt like I was under attack from within. I than started to withdraw from friends and family. I could barely show up for work and when I did I would often find myself in my car parked in some desolate area having a panic attack. I couldn't breath. I reached out to a friend who is a psychologist. He is someone I trust with my life. He gave me time to be safe. Time to slow the noise in my head. I started to take a low dose of anti depressant Zoloft and a low dose of anxiety medication. (I don't like medication) But I needed to slow things down so I could regain myself. The medication took about two weeks to work but I could feel the urgency subside, my thoughts slowed, my memory, sense of self and an interesting clarity occurred. I am not a fan of medication. I am still taking the same dosage as when I started five years ago. And I only take Zoloft and Xanax. Depression causes a change in our brain chemistry and these medications help to restore the brain chemistry to normal. I would suggest you speak with you therapist and if you are willing take a low dose of an anti depressant and anti anxiety medication. I don't know if I would have committed suicide but I do know I needed a break from the turmoil in my mind. I am myself again. I still have some memory issues because some of my alters hold memories that are not available to me right now. But I am able to feel calm and work with my alters, and me being calm makes them feel calm. The medication and my therapist have helped me to get to know the members in my system. And now that they feel they are heard by me, I am not bombarded with intrusive thoughts. It is more like a dialogue now. It's a constructive and supportive relationship. I hope you sort things out. There is clarity in the future and knowing that comforts me.