Yes, you are so right about all of this and I have in the past talked to her about it but my OCD brings it up in my head again and again as if the conversations didn't even take place. I swear this has been happening for years over and over. The conversations take place and then I am right back to feeling like a disappointment. I have no idea why I do this??? It is so lame!
But you are right, I will try again.
I am at 75mg of Lamictal and both of my pdocs (long story as to why I have two) want me to go up to 100mg. I am just too chicken for some reason. I have this delusion (as I will now call it) that something bad is going to happen if I go up. I also have a 'delusion' that I MUST be on the real thing and not the generic or something bad will happen so I arranged a little thing with my insurance to get the real one for cheaper(long story). I am just freaked out by this drug!
Luckily I do have a 'hobbie' or an obsession and that is riding my terribly expensive horse that we can in no way afford. My husband surprised me with him for my wedding present knowing that I trained horses for a living for a long time but had stopped because of an injury that had since healed. My husband had no idea what he was in for and we have been stuck with the expense of a horse ever since (12 years now) I LOVE my horse but it is a huge money drain on people who have none... But great exercise and great for my back it is the only thing that helps loosen it!
Thank you all for responding to me. I really appreciate it.
C and Oliver (my Service Dog)
Quote:
Originally Posted by ultramar
I feel like such a huge disappointment to her.
As you probably know on some level -because you phrased it this way- this is how you feel she feels, I suspect she didn't actually say this to you? Maybe you can talk to her about your progress, what you'd like to work on and different ways she can help you accomplish what you need. Also, telling her you're afraid she's disappointed in you and talking about that may help take that load off of your shoulders.
She can't seem to fix me
Again, this seems to be how you see it, not something she said, right? Maybe you could talk to her about these feelings and ask her what she thinks.
Maybe instead of thinking of the process as fixing you (as if you were broken) you could think of it as improving your mood, how you feel about yourself, etc. You have a lot on your plate -baby steps and keeping in mind that we all fall back sometimes, it's not a straight line forward.
Also, it's not our therapists' role to 'fix' us. You're on a journey together (that's how I think of it) and hopefully both of you can work together to get to where you need to be.
I'm so sorry you're in such a bad place right now. No doubt your physical problems contribute to your depression, it has to be awful to suffer from such crippling chronic pain! I hope you find a combination of meds that can help you pull out of this and that therapy will help you as well.
Best wishes,
ultramar
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