I've been going through a rough time with my mental health right now, mostly because I developed a tolerance to my medication, and now I am getting messed up on new medication and I feel all wonky and weird, and doing things that I later cannot recall.
Anyways, I had a best friend, Nathan. He told me I was his best friend, and he said if I ever needed someone I could count on him. But yesterday, he told me that I shouldn't go to him for emotional support. Even though for the past several months I felt like I could count on him. He even told me that I shouldn't push him away.
Now I feel like there's a hole in my chest. I just lost my best/only friend. And it sucks. And it hurts, and I can't make this hurt and grief go away. He told me he wanted us to be friends that sometimes talked and sometimes hung out, but I couldn't possibly do that. It just hurts so much to see the strong friendship we used to have turn into an acquaintance. It's too much for me to bear right now. And although I understand that he feels overwhelmed by my issues, it still... hurts. He told me he never got any comfort or solace from me, when only a couple of months ago he said that the things I did for him meant a lot to him.
I understand most of his frustrations are rightfully so, and I'm not upset about that. I'm not even hurt by most of the things he told me. But now I'm stuck in a position where I am affected by this, and he isn't. I don't want to flat out say "I care, and he doesn't anymore." But that's what I feel I am getting from him.
So now I'm trying to make myself NOT care. Listing reasons why I am better off without Nathan, and trying not to think about it. I'm trying to just focus on getting my medications straight, and talk myself into thinking "this doesn't hurt" "I don't care anymore." "I'm better off, good riddance." But, that's obviously not gonna do much except hurt more. My alternate personality went and shouted at him a little bit, but of course, that didn't help matters.
I suppose there's no way out but through, and I just have to hope I end back out on the other side of this. Thanks for reading this. I don't really know what else to do or say about it.