Oh, (((((Fuzzy))))), my friend. Life and everything can get so confusing sometimes. It sounds like you're tangled up in that. Existentialism and philosophy tend to bring up lots of interesting questions, but they don't offer answers, really. Just challenge you to find your own answers and figure out what it means to you. I hope that you find some meaning and life starts making more sense to you. I think your journey brings you closer all the time. Even when you're making progress (or especially then), it's just not easy, is it?