Hello. I am new here. I read these posts a lot when I am googling about Bipolar disorder. I have always been a touch.... I'll say grumpy, especially compared to my sister and mother (most of the time though my sis and I suspect she IS bipoar). My sister has many children and I'm looked at by them as the "enforcer" but I don't WANT to be! Recently some events happened and my boyfriend told me my moods go from being completely happy and fun to getting angry, defensive, and sad in a split second. I have always just assumed that was me but being called out on it by someone new and from a great, level-headed and close family, it caught my attention. I saw a counselor who recommended me to see a psychiatrist for mood stabilizers. I have seen two psychiatrists (Second opinion and switch-- didn't like the first one) and I see a counselor regularly. The psychiatrists believe I have anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and thought it could be major depressive disorder but at my last appointment they told me it was more likely bipolar II but since I have been happy at lengthy times they have to diagnose me as bipolar I. So, here is where I need help... I am on Celexa, started at 5mg and now at 20mg because I had a panic attack recently. The psychiatrist gave me Lamictal to start but I am so hesitant (I hate medication) and I just need some verification from others suffering from similar symptoms. I have problems staying asleep at night and am depressed almost every day, unless I am busy at work and then I do a great job at what I do. I just don't really know if I have manic or hypomanic symptoms and I keep searching my memory bank for any. I remember a few years ago my sister was visiting me from Japan with her new baby and they were staying with me at my boyfriend's house and a guy friend of mine called me up and asked me to drive 2 hours away to hang out with him that weekend and I did it! I just up and left my sister, my nieces and nephew and my boyfriend!! WHO does that?! Anyways, after that I was in a relationship with a guy who I knew was no good for me and he partied a lot so I partied a lot and did not need as much sleep as I need now and was at work on time and took anyone's extra call that wanted to get rid of it. Of course, not all days were sunshine, he was a real loser so I up and left when things went South. Now, for the last two years I have been having trouble sleeping (staying asleep, not falling asleep), am majorly depressed, I often feel like my life is so hopeless and such a waste and I just don't want to be here, I developed anxiety and panic attacks, especially at holidays with my boyfriend's family. I just can't find any supporting information about very subtle hypomania. For the last two years, it is rare I feel good but some days I wake up thinking I can do all this stuff or I make goals and then half an hour into it I am super depressed and do nothing at all and I am sleeping more. Any help would be great! I just want to make sure before I start the Lamictal.

** I wrote this in the initial welcome forum but I pasted it here just now (obviously). However, last night I took the Sanity Score and came up with 114 and it seemed to lean toward Borderline Personality Disorder and I researched that and feel like that is much more like my issue. I have been tormenting myself for the last month trying to come up with any hypomanic symptoms I may have and I just don't think I have any. I mean, I don't do much risky stuff because I have nobody to help me if I screw anything up, such as finances, my mortgage and bills, or my job and school. The things I've done in the past seem to have been very impulsive, for sure, and really stupid but most of that is relationship issues. I almost never pick the right guy and when I have in the past I usually go looking for something different, maybe I get bored or am just messed up a little with that. I always want to help people so I take on more of their issues than I think one should and I suffer from that. Such as, paying their bills and allowing them to treat me like a doormat, which is a 50-50 problem since I allow it to slowly become that kind of relationship.

Does anyone have anything like what I have? Maybe I could get some insight from those with BPD and those with Bipolar II but very subtle hypomania? I just want to know what my problem is so that I can make sure I am always treating it properly and look for alternative ways to make myself healthy. Thank you and God bless.