Quote:
Originally Posted by Claritytoo
Before I was diagnosed with DID I thought I was losing myself. It felt like my mind was breaking apart. I wasn't able to be around people for fear I would say or do something out of charactor. I couldn't think. Things I new were gone. My thoughts ragged in my head. My sleep patterns changed, I felt like I was under attack from within. I than started to withdraw from friends and family. I could barely show up for work and when I did I would often find myself in my car parked in some desolate area having a panic attack. I couldn't breath. I reached out to a friend who is a psychologist. He is someone I trust with my life. He gave me time to be safe. Time to slow the noise in my head. I started to take a low dose of anti depressant Zoloft and a low dose of anxiety medication. (I don't like medication) But I needed to slow things down so I could regain myself. The medication took about two weeks to work but I could feel the urgency subside, my thoughts slowed, my memory, sense of self and an interesting clarity occurred. I am not a fan of medication. I am still taking the same dosage as when I started five years ago. And I only take Zoloft and Xanax. Depression causes a change in our brain chemistry and these medications help to restore the brain chemistry to normal. I would suggest you speak with you therapist and if you are willing take a low dose of an anti depressant and anti anxiety medication. I don't know if I would have committed suicide but I do know I needed a break from the turmoil in my mind. I am myself again. I still have some memory issues because some of my alters hold memories that are not available to me right now. But I am able to feel calm and work with my alters, and me being calm makes them feel calm. The medication and my therapist have helped me to get to know the members in my system. And now that they feel they are heard by me, I am not bombarded with intrusive thoughts. It is more like a dialogue now. It's a constructive and supportive relationship. I hope you sort things out. There is clarity in the future and knowing that comforts me.
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That sounds a lot like me. I'm so jumbled up in my brain, I hardly have any idea what's going on anymore, but I'm trying to stay on top of things and auto-pilot my way through life the best I can because I don't have a choice. I feel like I'm just going to snap and lose my mind completely at any moment, though. This is the absolute worst time for this to happen. I'm 23 and just graduated from college about a year ago and am still living at home with my dad because of financial reasons. He's constantly telling me I need to get a better paying job and move out of his house, not to mention my sisters incessantly mock me because they think I'm pathetic for still living here (even though they're 19 and 21 and do too). I'm trying so hard to save up money so I can get away from here, but it's hard. For one, I don't have a car of my own anyway, so it'd be really hard to find work outside of the house. And for two, even if I did, I'm scared to because I'm so messed up and can hardly think straight..how the hell am I going to go to an interview when I can hardly form a sentence without tripping over my words half the time? So I do freelance jobs from home...I'm lucky that I have a friend who was offered a position as project manager for the company I'm currently contracting with, so I've been doing work from home for her. The position pays $9/hour (we have a program on our computers that tracks our hours), and we have to work at least 30 hours a week and can work up to 60. So I've been doing 60 hour weeks every single week for months, but my dad thinks it's not enough because he sees it as not "real" work. I feel like the only thing I ever get to do anymore is work, but I can't stop because I need to save up a bunch of money to get away from here.
I just don't have time for being messed up right now. I'm supposed to be looking into starting a career and the rest of my life. I'm not really allowed to have a meltdown and take a break because I'm not living in my own house. What my dad wants me to do goes. He doesn't think I have a problem at all...every time I tell him I have trouble thinking, he tells me that there's no way I graduated college with a 3.95 GPA if I have all of the cognitive problems I say I have. That's another thing...I used to be so intelligent, and now I'm so stupid. It's stressful on me to watch myself decline intellectually, and it's impossible to get people to believe that I have a problem because they look at all of the stuff I used to accomplish and how "together" I used to be.
I honestly don't think going to a therapist will solve anything. I can't anyway because of my lack of a car and the fact that my sister does everything she can to make my life miserable if I drive the car anywhere ever because she resents the fact that she can't have the car to herself because of me. But aside from that, I tried going to one a while back, and she didn't understand where I was coming from at all because I couldn't explain myself. I had a few months a while back where I felt similar to I do now...kind of...it was different but somewhat similar. So I went to a psychologist, she didn't help me, and then the feeling just kind of went away on its own. Except I guess it's back. Anyway, she just told me I had severe anxiety and said I should check myself into an asylum. She said she'd get my dad to force me if I said I didn't want to, so I never went back to her. She also blamed the situation on me and told me that if I weren't being so ridiculous, my sisters wouldn't insult and torment me all of the time. Not to mention, she asked me why I didn't leave when my dad used to beat me when I was a child...because, you know, an 8 year old can just pack her bags and leave. I also went to a neuropsychologist recently because my neurologist sent me to have my cognitive skills tested. He said I did fine on the tests and there was nothing wrong with me. So I don't think a therapist is the answer. They can't help me...they make the situation worse. Maybe some meds to help me think straight would help if I could ever get a doctor to let me try them. They won't because, again, they look at my grades from school and tell me there's nothing wrong with me cognitively.
*sigh* I'm trying to just do the same things I always did before I started feeling like this to see if I can snap myself back into my old self. I bought a ticket to see a comedian I really liked live...Bill Maher. I don't really have any interest in going, but I know a few months ago I would have jumped at the opportunity to see him live, so I'm forcing myself to go now that he's coming here. Maybe just getting away from the house for that event will help. I dunno.