what i would say to my T if i could

SO,ARE YOU ENJOYING THE FIRST DAY OF SPRING????
how could you ask me that? two weeks ago you talked to me about self compassion. it was so terrifying and confusing . i left there feeling so horrible .like you finely happened on the most horrible secrete that i have kept hidden.you see that i am like the mother,exactly like that monster.that i am really nothing inside, that i will never be anything. nothing but being self absorbed, full of self pity ,hate and anger. now you see how disgusting everything in me really is. i am full of complete self loathing for who i am. when looking at me that is all there is. nothing but vile,evil,foul disgustingness.

i know i am not the easiest person to have to deal with. i know this . it felt so horrible to walk in your office knowing what you know of me . but then to see that stupid chair backed into the corner again ,and the loud music . it just made thing even more horrible. god i hated everything about me being there. i just knew you did also. i swear i couldn't think anything straight.so i just panicked. i swear i didn't know i could feel even more vile then i already do. but sitting in that office and being surrounded with all that seemed so grim. i felt that all you wanted was for me to just disappear, to become so insignificant. if felt like i just couldn't exist and i was so scared.

although i am a bit calmer now all i can really think about is why did you ask me that . it reminds me of the mother locking me in my room for the week of spring break because of a bad report card and then getting me up the morning we need to be back at school smiling and asking "am i ready to get back to school ?" feeling like did this week just happen? was it real? like is all this really going on as i sit in this office. what was going on in my head and around me just was to far away from what you asked. kind of like playing the game what one of these pictures is not like the others. anyway sorry for everything