Hello all,

Would appreciate your advice and input:

Background:

- 31 y/o male from a WASP-y background where accomplishment is worshiped and weakness despised, almost identical to Kay Jamison's description in her book. 3 years ago, BPII diagnosis by licensed mental health professional(although not a pdoc or md)

- my baseline is depression. Have and almost always been depressed for most of the past decade, except brief moments of hypomania where I have short bursts of superhuman energy.

- have failed out of 3 prestigious colleges(top 10). Hypomanic surge of energy = i apply, beat other applicants and get in, sign up for classes, do great for 1st week, 2nd week, and then crash into a depression(for no major reason) in the 3rd week and just stop attending classes. Transcript littered with F and W. Apply to another prestigious school for 'fresh start'. Same scenario plays over. Again. and Again.

- have been fired from every single job I've had, mostly due to not showing up and/or tardiness. Same story: apply for super-competitice job, do an amazinng performance during interview process, beat out other applicants who are more qualified than me, get excellent performance feedback for 1st few months and also get rapid promotions......then the inevitable crash happens and I just stop showing up for work..start calling out sick and coming up with credible(or so I thought) excuses as to why I couldn't make to yet another mandatory meeting. I float by on the strength of my hypomanic performances for a while, but you can only do that for so long before you get the axe.

- extremely traumatic emotional experience when i was 19; not sure if that's what triggered my illness, but had relatively normal life before that.

This is where I'm at currently:

- haven't showered or brushed my teeth in 14 days and counting

- literally stay in bed 24/7, except to get up to take care of urgent matters (not paying rent = eviction).

- no motivation whatsoever to do anything. I eat(unhealthy fastfood), watch porn(copious amounts), watch movies, listen to music, sleep. Rinse, repeat. 24/7. Looks like I'm self-medicating with junk food, porn and using music and movies to escape into another world that isn't my reality.

- bathroom only 2 steps away, but don't go out of my room due to mixture of agrophobia and depression. Instead, i urinate in empty bottles. have accumulated 60 bottles of varying size in my room for the past 3 to 4 months. I do use the bathroom for #2

- living in squalor: my apartment = piles and piles of food, clothes, books, strewn and scattered all over the place. Stinking rotting odor. Landlord came in when I was out and remarked: "this isn't fit for an animal, let alone a human"

- complete self-imposed(or bipolar imposed) social isolation: have missed weddings and funerals that were a MUST-ATTEND. makeup excuses(sometimes credible, sometimes laughable) when family and friends invite me

It's clear that I'm in a deep depressive episode, but my concern is that it's something more than BPII. I've read many accounts of BPII and most do not present with my symptoms..... like 60 urine filled bottles in room.

What leads me to believe it's more than BPII:

-constant obsessive intrusive thoughts that i have zero control of. Thoughts range from inappropriately sexual to the blasphemous to self-flagellating. In order to 'banish' the thoughts, I often resort to shaking my head, blinking, and/or cursing(under my breath but sometimes loudly). Most times nobody notices, sometimes I get caught and people give me that "here comes a crazy person" look.

- Spend alot of time daydreaming, but it isn't ur typical daydreaming, this is a full-blown escape into another world where I'm invariably a hero. I concoct up fantastic scenarios and enjoy living in it as opposed to my miserable reality. maladaptive daydreaming is what its called i think.

- excessive paranoia(clinical definition of the word), which sometimes becomes justified(what I was fearing happens), leading to even more paranoia....horrible cycle. constantly living in dread, doom, and gloom.


No hallucination and no hearing voices though.

I'm concerned that it might be psychotic depression or some type of schizo disorder and would greatly appreciate your input and advice . I'm not asking for a diagnosis, just your input on what I might be suffering from.

I don't want to take meds for genuine fact-based reasons I'd rather not go into, so would also appreciate any med-free therapy experience that you might have benifted from, like light therapy, exercise, diet, mediation. What worked? What didn't? Remission?

Other: i don't smoke, drink, or do drugs of anykind including meds. Been through a battery of physical test and labwork including MRI, everything is normal.

Thank you.