thanks for all the hugs and responses.you have all got to be so tired of this. thank you so much.i think i am holding on to this place like a tether to something real.

my husband said he feels so helpless, he doesn't know how to help me or what to do. i feel so bad for him. i don't want him around. i don't want to talk to him. i don't know how to make him not worry.i cant even figure out how to talk to him . i have waves of being OK like now.it is quiet and my head is not in a loop of very confusing things.i cant move most of the time i don't want to .i just want to be OK and i don't understand why all this is so hard. honestly none of this feels real at all,none of it .everything seems so thick and heavy. i keep getting stuck. how long can i behave like this and have my husband not leave me. he is all i have left and i cant even see him most of the time. i think he wants to get rid of me also. I'm scared but understand he can't deal.who could.why am i doing this. and stupid S H I T i am why don't i just stop.