Thanks Miguel'smom. I've been in therapy(on and off) for a year now, it helps, helps a lot. We've covered a lot of ground. I just can't put the lessons i've learned from therapy into practice.

Food: I go and stock up on unhealthy junk food or unhealthy fast food. That's been my diet for the past decade and I wouldn't be surprised if it had alot to do with my mental health woes. I changed my diet radically once last year cooking with natural fresh ingredients and eating veggies and fruit and I was, for the first time in a very long time, grounded, calm, purposeful. But just like any other endeavor I undertake, i lost steam, had no discipline/willpower to fall back on, and resorted back to cheap and unhealthy junk food when my next depressive episode hit.

I am convinced that I will see great improvement and mental clarity and stability if I am able to continuously and constantly eat healthily....but thats easier said than done.

Another thing I've noticed: slight to mild deterioration in my memory and overall cognition. I find myself losing track of thoughts, stopping mid-sentence during conversation searching for a word but can't find it. forgetting things little bit more, forgetting names, being more absent-minded and lost in my thoughts.......and although i hate it to admit it, it's noticeable. On more than one occasion at work, I've been told: "Are you ok?" and "Are you having issues?"

I've been 'caught' smiling to myself and talking to myself when I was in the middle of one of the daydreams i talked about above.

even my writing has deteriorated from award-winning prose to the jumbled mess i'm now typing. So yeah, this illness has messed me up pretty good in almost every facet of life.

I have to start the long hard slog of getting better and I remain optimistic and hopeful even in the midst of this terrible depression.

the key is finding the energy and discipline to do it and, unfortunately, I cannot sustain either(energy/discipline) for prolonged periods of time. Like a shooting star, I burn brightly and then fade away into that dark night. Exercise and eat healthily for day 1, day 2, genuine physical and mental progress ....day 3 comes and i just can't summon up the will to do what obviously worked on day 1 and day 2. It's a simple formula: Exercise, get fresh air, eat specific healthy foods, reach out to fam/friends. Simple, effective, but I "can't" do it. So i stay in bed, eat junk, and continue down the road of deterioration.

Thoughts?