I have been in therapy for my eating disorder for about two years now. I somehow forgot/erased the entire first eight or ten years of my life. I never understood it, from the stories my parents and older brother told, it was a pretty happy life. I also could never understand why I was always so self distructive, starting early with a cocaine addiction, then to anorexia/bulimia, and cutting.
I have been doing cognitive therapy to help me realize why I do what I do. And in the past two weeks I have been getting these flashbacks of childhood memories where I was being sexually abused by a relative. After I get them I go into complete panic mode. I've had to request a leave of absence from work because I work with children and it seems to trigger these memories. My T has given me adavan which helps but does not take away the pain. Last night I drank myself into a complete mess. I'm not a drinker but I was feeling so out of control I needed a quick way out. I was thoroughly imbarresed when I found out I had blacked out, puked all over my friend's front lawn, and worst of all, I peed my pants! I need some help in dealing. I start a partial hospitalization program next week for my eating disorder but I feel like it's not going to be of any help with the way I've been feeling. I dont know what to do with this. I can smell him, feel him, see him, as if it's happening all over again. Will I ever get over this?