I am 22 yr old female. with two perfect kids and a husband who deserves a MUCH better woman then me but loves me anyway lol..
I really thi nk iv broken something in my mind and i need help fixing it..
Heres a bit of my background that i hope can help with any clues as to what is wrong with me...
I was sexualy abused from toddler age till i was nine.
My mother was not in my life intil also ago nine.
At age .. nine my father died. He was a hells angel biker
and i for some stupid childish reason thought "since hes dieing
maybe hell want to play with me." (exact words, i still remember them). But he died the moment the car parked outside his house.
All of the years before age.. Yup, NINE. have missing peices,
for example, i remember being told my dad died and being takeing to see him laying in his bed (never do that to a little girl), and thats it. The next part i remember is being found in his back yard watering the grass.. my family said i had been missing for over four hours... i couldnt tell u what happen during those hours if a gun was at my head.
I was born with a hole in my heart, no one knew. I at 4 yrs old told my gaurdian this exactly "i think i need to see a doctor. my heart hurts."... they had neglected to notice my blue lips, low weight or think its werid a 4 yr old sleeps most of the day. The doctor i was in the hospital on oyxgen for a week before the doctors realized my heart was defected. ..
I became very sexual by 11 yrs old.
I purposly put myself in situations that walked the line of rape.
i began useing drugs.
The one time i didnt purposely go with sum random man, i was raped anyway. Two weeks after my 16th birthday. Resulting in my oldest child now age 5...
I met my husband... he was NOT dateing me when he offered to pay for me n my daughters rent because we were homeless... he was going through bootcamp.
i married him on his return two weeks after he arrived.
THANKFULLY he is an amazing man...
We had a son.. went three yrs without a deployment.
This last janurary. he went to afghanistan.
My memory goes black after i drove away from airport. I dont remember the rest of that day...
I couldnt function. I couldnt take care of my kids. I was ... useless.
His leaving in my head was "HES ABANDONING US. HES GONE FROM MY LIFE. HE LEFT ME. HES NEVER COMEING BACK." .. i ended up being handed Meth as a 'fix all ur problems cure'. and dove head first into useing. Convinced i could control it n use it to .. self medicate basiclly. I spent all the money he made on drugs and lied with every word i said.
He came home. He found out. He forced me clean. That was in november..

now.. i have NOT relapsed.. but i am broken in my head. I am constantly on an emotional roller coaster that its out of control.

one week, ill feel exhausted, ill have terrible insomia, ill feel like... I dont have the ability to try anymore... Not like suicidal or anything..,but it feels like recovering from a surgery., my body truthfull feels pain n weak.. Then.. Randomly, one morning ill be up at 6am dressd, ready for the day n full of life... Its exhausting bouceing from hopeless to unstoppable without any control.... whats been stopping me from gettn help n my main reason last year is i didnt want my hubby to feel,like i faild him again. ..perminently... ... I know thats dumb n i actually fail him more often BECAUSE im stuck on this emotional roller coaster... . I feel shame n guilt that it effected me so dramaticly... But all i know.. Is before he left, i was fine, well...what i know of "fine" . And wen he came back, i was very broken.. . My kids and husband are the only.things now that make me feel a spark from. Like... The spark n warm happiness life gives u..... Im rambleing... But, im happy im rambleing because... very heavy weight for me.. I am so afraid im broken... i can in a way relate to haveing muliple personality disorder.. I KNOW I DONT HAVE THAT.. but i feel like there is TWO people in my body, and Neither one of them is me.. but at the same time BOTH are me.. n they fight over control. One has no desire to do anything but waiste each day away one at a time and the other wants friends again n still says shes going to collage someday. My thoughts race so fast i am unable to process them. I cant tell people "what im thinking" because many times i cant remember. and when i think about one idea..it causes a chain reaction like bombs explodeing in my mind. example; "apple"; "fruit";"food";"dinner";"what to make"; "Money"; ..becomes me.. confused, scatterd, unfocused, overwhelmed, unsure, ...lost in a million unfinished thought that are SPEEDING so fast i end up haveing full blow anxiety attack. .. i go throughout my days unaware of my actions. I am almost fully unable to finish ONE task completely. Im all over the place, emotionally, mentally, physically... and its really effecting my family... i dk what to do.. i need advice. ideas. tips... help...please... am i broken? is this explainable? Am i going to be this way for the rest of my life? My husband has become my caregiver basiclly... and it kills me... Please... just thoughts HELPFUL thoughts ... please..