I could write two books and then some about the things that happened throughout my life with my family. Mostly my mom, grandma (her mom) and my aunt (mom's sister) were all crazy in their own way with their own issues. None of them ever went to any sort of doctor because none of them had anything wrong with them, if you listened to them. The three of them are long gone now, mom by about 20+ years, grandma and aunt 2 years now. It has taken me a long time to not feel so angry with all of them and myself for a lot of what happened back then.
I realize now that growing up in that atmosphere and influence is what has made me the person I am today, good and bad. I lived every day of my life saying to myself I will never be like them, not to do the things they did, and what do you know, 38 years later I am the exact replica of all of them.

You are not alone here. We all have trauma in our past. It is a daily struggle most days for me to not think and dwell on all that. Most days I don't win, some I do.

I do not have kids, never wanted them and still don't (which is a good thing). I could never do what was done to me to another innocent being ever.
Take it one day at a time, lean on us here, we will listen and offer support where we can.
Thank you for sharing.