So I was thinking, is this really what my life has been reduced to....waiting on SSI just surviving and going through the motions without really living. Trapped by symptoms or the fear of symptoms hitting me at bad times so then I end up staying cooped up thinking if I go do that then my symptoms will interfere, or I wont be able to handle it...well maybe those things are true and the symptoms would cause problems and i wouldn't be able to handle it.

But I am sick of living life this way, I want to say screw you symptoms and just go find my own way to get money either a job or some other legitimate means. I know very well I can easily get burnt out and dysfunctional when I push myself too hard or try and do everything I want in spite of any symptoms but I'm 23 not 103 so maybe I can handle a few more burn outs even if it does destroy me......but then again to live is to die regardless of how one lives their life.

I am sick of waiting on SSI but if I ditch the process now I will have to start it all over again if I can't figure something else out....but if I keep waiting I may still get denied and have to figure something else out anyways just don't know what to do with that...part of me says I shouldn't be applying for help from a system I don't trust.