As intelligent as you are, why are you not in the hands of a licensed psychiatrist?
You describe a very severe form of depression without hallucinations but strong
paranoia and dreadful fear that drives your behavior.

Bipolar illness can get worse without treatment. The time for you to see a psychiatrist is now, before you have permanent, irreparable damage to brain cells.

Please do go in and get medicated to restore the chemical imbalance that is part of
bipolar illness; then you may see clearly how to correct the other aspects of your life that are very troublesome at this time.

About weakness being despised, etc.: it's perfectly all right to compete and it's also
perfectly acceptable not to compete if one chooses that. I am supposing that you
got your military training which may be responsible for the view you have. Maybe you need to have some therapy in changing your understanding of life outside the military. And maybe the view that weakness is to be despised is necessary when one is putting his life on the line everytime he goes into battle.

Life outside the military just isn't like that, so you need some adjustments in your life if you're going to choose to live in society.

Please get the help you desperately need.