Tonight I realized that for the last 8 years, I have really been alone. That hurt, and badly.

Alot of things happened tonight - sort of came to a head. Someone that I have known for the last 4 1/2 years has basically walked away from me. This guy is only 19 but we have been so close - he calls me "mom" and I have loved him as if he was my second son. When he was younger, his parents gave me guardianship over him when we went out of town and stuff - they know how much he means to me.

Wherever I have worked, he has come to work for me - 3 times so far. Sometimes the only time he had employment was when I hired him - he is talented and bright. He is working for me now but for the last several months he has been hanging out with other employees who are very bad influences on him - he stays out late with them, drinks, smokes pot, etc. Then he calls in sick. He has never called in on my shift because he wouldn't do that to me.

I got very upset with him over the weekend because he threatened to walk out Sat. night, regardless of the fact that he would be hurting me - he didn't care. I talked to him, found out he is mad at the other manager, and I got him settled down. After work he went out with his "friends". I called him Sunday morning to make sure he was awake and he said he was on his way - less than 10 mins. later he calls my cell and tells me he isn't coming in - he threw up. This has been his excuse for the last four times he has called in - within 2 weeks mind you.

I asked him how he could do this to me..........Sunday morning is a big day in the kitchen and I had no one. He didn't care and said he wasn't coming in. I was hurt. Now he seems that he doesn't want anything more to do with me, and has asked not to be scheduled with me. The less contact the better, he said to my boss.

Then my husband and I went to the grocery store tonight and got into an argument. He threatened me, called me every name he could think of and raised his hand to me - he was going to hit me..........all said on his part very loudly. I looked him in the face, told him to have a good time walking home and pushed my cart away with Alex in tow.

He didn't believe me, until I told him I'd call the police if he even tried getting in my car - my vehicle, not his......and how he threatened me in the store. Alex and I finished our shopping, I got in the car and left him there........quite aways from our house.

Seems he stopped in my work and tried to get someone to give him a ride - no one would (lol). It took him awhile, but he made it home. Then we fought some more.

I have no one in my life that I can count on anymore. That guy and I would talk about everything - he'd stay after work and wait so I'd be safe.........now I'm being "meddling and interfering." My husband is an ***** and doesn't really love me.

I'm getting older and the odds of being with someone who would really love me for me, is getting mighty slim. I've been so upset that my arm looks like it's been thru a shredder. I finally got ahold of my local doc (pill pusher) and started back on my Depakote.

I'm tired of being unloved and alone - something has to be wrong with me, somewhere.