This post my be a huge trigger for someone if you're sensitive to sui talk right now and I apologize in advance.

All of my symptoms more or less started when I was about 16. It was a bad year, by anyone's standards. My best friend moved away, another close friend killed herself and... well... I don't like saying the word... but I was a virgin one day and wasn't the next and it was not by choice. It's been 15 years and I still think about it. It's safe to say that I think about it almost every day. My obsessive thoughts have ALWAYS been out of control.

Moving on, before I cry.

That was the first year I seriously contemplated killing myself. I took a ton of ibuprofen which of course did nothing except make me very loopy. Hey... I was 16 and had no access to anything and I had NO idea what I was doing. When it didn't work I was frustrated. I was sad. It made me feel even MORE like a failure. I never told anybody at the time. I was flat out embarrassed... I didn't see at as a cry for help, I didn't want anyone to stop me, I didn't want anyone to know about it, I just wanted to not be here anymore.

The next time the urge hit I first sat down to write a letter. I addressed everyone in my life that I'd be leaving behind in some vain attempt to reassure them that it wasn't their fault and how much better off they'd be without me there. I was doing this for them. I never did, and I STILL don't see it as a relief or escape from personal pain. I don't mind the pain, I'm used to it. But it only gets bad when I see my actions start to hurt other people. More than that, I start to see that I cause nothing but pain. They are not just IN pain, but I am the active source OF that pain.

I use the letters as a form of some sick and twisted therapy. If I address everyone I'm close to as if this is the last time I will speak to them, then perhaps I will find someone that DOES need me. When I sit down to write it, at the time, I don't see it as an attempt to talk myself out of it, but that's usually what ends up happening.

Since I was 16 I'd have to say that I've written at LEAST 10 if I'm giving a conservative estimate. Probably more like 20, really. I know it's bad, I know it's dangerous. And really this is the first time I've ever said anything about it.

I guess what I'm hoping is that someone will tell me I'm not alone in doing this.