Thanks to all who replied. I'm thankful I found this place again, because there are so many forums that relate to my past issues... I finally started to realize that can't do everything on my own.. I'm almost 30.. Do I want to still be struggling with the same things I've been dealing with since my teenage years in the next 10? I was talking to my sister today who has similar issues with depression and various other mental ailments and she was telling me about a new hypnotherapist, but the prospect of that is quite frightening To see if you are serious about depression/ptsd recovery she has you read a series of books to understand your past depression and how it all relates to your upbringing and can eventually cure your present ailments after addressing your past, but its pretty extreme and intensive.. just talking about it today nearly gave me a panic attack, but as radical as it may seem, that may be the next step if general therapy doesn't help. I don't know where things will lead eventually. All I know now (which i guess is a good first step) is that I don't want to live this way, nor do I want to die this way. I need a moment in the sun.. i need many moments in the sun to remind me why life is worth living.