My grandmother raised me and I lived with her until I was three years old. Afterward I lived with highly abusive parents until I was taken away at 14. Now that I am older, I have realized my mother has borderline personality disorder, bi polar, schizoaffective disorder and others I don't remember. My adult life I have taken care of her and her things when she goes into the Psych hospital. I moved away last year and it hasn't been as bad.
My mom keeps talking about wanting to be known by her grandchildren. I have no objection to that. However she goes on to say that she wishes that she could be close to her grandchildren like I was to my grandmother. This is unhealthy to me. My closeness to my grandma and not to my mother was horrible for me. My grandmother was mentally ill as well and it took me five years of behavioral therapy while I was in foster care to be well. My mother starts talking about wanting to play with the kids on a regular basis and become a large part of their lives. She says she wants them to know and remember her. I am worried that she isn't thinking about the better of my children and is instead thinking that this is an opportunity for her to try to raise a child again.
I want to tell her that she will be apart of their lives just not a big part of their lives. I feel comfortable with them seeing her on holidays and when we visit but not for long because of how unstable and how embedded her thinking errors are. The problem is that if I don't word it correctly she will become black and white and think I don't want her around at all. A part of me wants to talk to her counselor and figure out the best way to approach this.
I do not want my children to go through what I did. I do not want them to see my mom fine one minute and completely insane the next and mimic it. I don't want my mom to manipulate or lie to my children on a whim like she did to me. She is getting better and that is why I am okay with her seeing the children from time to time. I'm just not sure how to tell her without it becoming a raging storm of "they are her grandkids and she has a right to see them" or "how dare I hold her mental illness over her head" or "why are you taking my grandkids away I thought we were doing better" or "that isn't enough time for them to know who I am", etc. I'm not trying to hurt my mom and I love her very much. She has gotten a bit better but not enough for me to leave my kids alone with her. I really wish I could trust my mom but I can't. I want her to see them however I don't want her to be a large influence in their lives.
Please, I need some advice. I just want what is best for my kids.