I know it's disappointing when you have to let go of dreams, no wonder you are mourning it. But you do have hope of a long future relationship with your son now, and with time, you will get to spend time with him and be able to get and give big old lovey boy hugs from him. I liked something the mindfulness therapist told me, that I can still fill in the gaps with my kids now - giving them the love now helps heal both of our hurts from the past. For example I can get to feeling very guilty that I was very depressed and worked so much and the impact that had on the kids in addition to the abandonment and lies from their dad... so now that I know that, and I know I can't change the past, I make a big effort to give extra love and hugs and kind words and emotional support to them now. She said this will help fill in the gaps.