I know it's my fault, first of all.
For some reason, I have NO friends anymore. I just don't. I have no idea how it happened, but it did. Actually, I think it happened because I started being depressed and my self esteem became lower and I just didn't feel comfortable as myself.
I was someone that I don't like anymore and i'm trying to get rid of what remains of the old me.
Sometimes i'm not sure that I want to get rid of it, though. I had a lot of friends when I was in high school and a lot more fun that I have now, definitely. It seemed like people liked me more then than they do now. I can't relate to anyone.
I don't even know how to make friends anymore.. I don't know what has happened to me. I used to be so good at making friends.. i was so friendly and.. i don't know.
It's like noone wants to talk to me anymore.. but I don't even really feel like talkin. I guess I just wish what other people have and that's friends that care about them when they're down, when they have problems and all that. I definitely don't have that.. My so called friends aren't in my life anymore and I don't blame them. I am soo boring lately.
I don't feel like doing anything.. no one understands that.
My parents get mad at me because I don't help around the house.. and i don't blame them. I don't even have a job now..i should help.
But they don't understand that i don't even want to get up in the morning. i don't want to live life. Sometimes I do, but I just don't feel like trying. Everything has become so difficult. I don't even have the strength to get up and eat breakfast or lunch. I just wake up and do nothing for the rest of the day.. how pathetic.
I barely eat, not because I'm anorexic or anything, but I just don't feel like it. Sometimes i'm hungry but I just don't feel like eating. Nothing looks appetizing.. so i starve. I am losing weight because of that {and also because I exercise} but it's not healthy. Some days all I eat is some fiber cereal i like w/o milk and drink water.. barely anything else all day.
I know I am not doing anything productive in my life and it makes me feel bad but I just can't do anything. I want to.. but something is preventing me from doing anything. I feel stupid, like i'm wasting my life, just watching life pass me by.
I sit in my room all day. I go online for an hour or two, then nothing. I love to read, but lately I don't even feel like doing that. I get in trouble because I go online. My parents don't understand that it's the only thing that makes me feel just a little bit better. They think I'm talking to boys and chatting with random people about stupid things. But I'm not. I don't feel like it.
I feel so useless. I am useless.
I hate the way my life is going but don't feel like changing it.
I sit at home alone all day until about 3:30 pm when my mom gets home to lecture me. Then I go to my room and be alone again. It doesn't bother me most of the time.. But it's not normal. I know that.
i think I just don't care enough about myself or my life to do anything.
My mom used to ask me why I was letting myself go{months ago}. She asked me why I was gaining so much weight, why I didn't take care of my body and health. She asked me if i didn't like myself.
at first, i thought she was crazy for even asking me those questions. But she was right.
I don't care about myself and i don't like myself. I just hide it.
I feel so lonely and so dumb and so boring and dull..
I feel like the world can go on without me,and it is.. I am doing nothing to contribute to the world.. or even in my family.
I hate it. but i just don't care..
I just want to go to sleep forever.. i don't want to die.. i'm not suicidal. But I just want to go to sleep until I am feeling better. But it's not going to happen and i have to move on.. I just can't.
I can't even do the simplest things like eating or cooking or cleaning or even taking a shower {i force myself to do that, though.. lol}.
i feel like I hate everything. I don't like being so negative, but I don't know what to do about it.
I know I "should" talk to someone about it.. family member, friend, counselor, therapist.. whatever..
But i don't trust anyone.. and i don't want to do anything.
But sleep.. and forget about everything and everyone.
I just woke up a little over an hour ago and i want to go back to sleep. i got 9 hours of sleep and I want to sleep more. What is wrong with me??
I watched the movies SAW I and SAW II the other night.. i really liked them.. and I can't wait for the third one this weekend.. sometimes I feel that something like that is going to happen to me if i don't start appreciating my life. I want to appreciate it and i do try but sometimes it's just impossible.
it feels like everything is impossible..

i hate this. I've written here like 4 times and it's like always the same thing..
it's getting annoying.
I'm just not happy.

This is me most of the time:
.. arguing with myself :